Look, i’m tired of people acting like once you turn 30 you’re on your death bed. As if once you’re 30, you’ve learned everything and it’s time to roll over, get stomped on, and to stop going after your dreams. I am aware, however, that being in your 20’s is pivotal, messy, scary, confusing, and testing. In lieu of that, i’ll join the train and heed some advice for anyone that may stumble upon this. First, let me say, although I am 32, I still feel like such an adolescent. Like I still have so much to learn and experience. Actually, in many ways I feel like entering my 30’s is as if I’m restarting my 20’s but with better spectacles on. A little bit more clarity and sense than I had before. That doesn’t mean that I have all the answers for you, but I am here to shed a little bit of light on some themes that may lie ahead. My hope is that some of what I write today will help you feel less alone and more hopeful in what may seem like an endless void of darkness and confusion.

When it comes to following your dreams there isn’t a countdown. You do not have to figure everything out right now or before you’re 25 or whatever age you might have cemented in your head. The truth is, and something you’ve probably already come to realize, that you will take a million detours and change your mind then change your mind again. For so long, I was so set on my life looking a specific way and it never did. It never even came close. Really, what I was doing was just burying down the real dreams I had. I kept setting goals for myself that I thought would appear impressive to other people, but there was this ache deep down because I knew that it wasn’t actually aligned to me. When it comes to this, I wish I would’ve stressed less about it all and not taken myself too seriously. I would’ve done the things that actually interested me. I would’ve allowed myself to go for those experiences that scared me, instead of worrying about how it might make me look or how it might affect my future, because, here is a fun fact: Stressing, overthinking, and preparing for the worst didn’t help me one bit. The future that I’m sitting in now looks nothing like I thought it would and in many ways I’m back to square one still trying to achieve my dreams.

This leads me to my next point. You’re not being selfish. A lot of your 20’s is about learning to navigate life on your own, but that can be challenging when you spend so much of your childhood doing what others have expected of you. (or perhaps failing at that, if you’re like me). You spend years getting good grades, keeping up with your extracurriculars, maintaining relationships with friends, family, peers, etc. Then once you turn 18 and you graduate your pushed out to figure it all out on your own. You might find yourself still trying to please others. Go to college, get a job, build a family, etc. However, I’m here to tell you that this might be the best time to be fully selfish. This might be the best time to do the crazy thing and disappoint the people around you. I did the opposite. I spent my 20’s being afraid and insecure and so focused on who I can attach to and please that I avoided the discomfort of my own company. Don’t be like me. Be selfish and bold. Allow yourself to follow your intuition, because although you might feel lost, you know yourself way better than you think you do.

In your 20’s you’ll meet a person or two or five that will change you forever. Maybe it’ll be love, heartbreak, or a mix of both and a confusion that’ll stay with you for years. I can’t promise they’ll get any better, but I can say that you’ll learn what you want and what you don’t want out of a relationship. All I have to say here is, don’t be afraid to leave. Don’t be afraid to move on. You’ll know when it’s time to go and don’t ever doubt or question yourself when that thought pops into your head. It won’t be easy and it’ll hurt like hell. You’ll look like the bad guy and many emotions will pop up, but as someone who waited too long, it’ll take a lot of stress off of you. This goes for any relationship, not just the romantic ones. Sometimes, these connections are draining and consuming. It’s by no fault of any one person, it just happens. When you meet someone that you can picture a future with or that gives you hope, you might want to hold on to that. You might tell yourself, if I just hold on they’ll change or the situation will get better. It might, but if you find yourself in this loop of doubt, reassurance, confusion, doubt, and on and on again, you might want to ask yourself when was the last time you made a decision for you?

By now, you’re seeing a reoccurring theme. This theme of keeping the focus on yourself? Yes, that. I know it sounds counterintuitive to the world. It’s easy to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know how much you want to change the world and make it a better place. I commend you for that. How do you expect to do that, however, if you’re constantly being pulled into different spaces? Spaces that don’t allow you to fully be who you are. To show up as the best version of yourself? If you don’t know yourself enough, then you won’t know how you can show up for others. Take it from me. I have so much experience in being, well, not me. I can be every version of someone that someone other than me will appreciate, but that has never helped me help others. It’s made other people comfortable, but by allowing myself to be stepped on or slept on, I didn’t allow for any growth. No growth for myself or the people around me. It really is true that focusing on your needs allows you to show up clear. If you feel good and nourished then when it comes to helping others, making the world brighter, you will be able to shift that focus onto others. See how that works? I’m still figuring this one out, but I know it’s true. Trust me.

Fuck my advice, and anyone else’s. Lastly, before I head off into the abyss of my 30’s and deal with society telling me i’m forever cooked and that i’m far behind everyone else in my age bracket take advice lightly. Yes, a lot of what us elders are telling you before we head on into the light, is true, but you’ll figure it out on your own time and in your own way. I kept listening to advice, using some of it as the bible, but at the end of the day most of it hasn’t worked for me. I was trying to implement someone else’s tools for a life that looks vastly different from mine. In fact, it was always advice from people who had lives that I realized I didn’t even want. You’re going to figure it out. Unfortunately, there is no way out of it. Your life is on it’s own track. It might bump into other tracks and take you on detours and visits to neighboring wizards, but it’s still your track at the end of the day. That means you can choose, at any point, to make a change or try something new. Advice is just that. There isn’t a one size fits all answer to whatever this all is. It just is and the more you experience the more you’ll figure it out. And if you find out the clues later in life, like I am starting to, that’s okay too.

If you found this at all helpful please let me know. I adore writing and expressing myself in this way, but it does feel like I’m writing to the void most of the time. If you leave a comment or reach out to me on socials (@rachelynbabin) that would really make my day. I know there is so much content out there so if you came across this, read it, and found any value I would sooo love to know.

-Rae